Maybe I Already Wrote For the Show and Didn't Realize It?

Today I have to officially give my blessings to the 5th season of The L Word. They say you can't please all the people all the time...but I do believe this season, the writers have decided to challenge that. Ourchart.com's blog editor Lisa posted this new teaser vid for the new season.

If any of you find reason for this not to be a great fuckin' idea, speak now, or forever hold your peace:


I couldn't have said it better!

Back in May I wrote an open letter to the writers of the show and posted it on AOL's gay & lesbian website Queersighted. (Haha, remember my innocent days of never capitalizing anything and not making much sense? Well, at least one thing's changed;-) )

Since we're only weeks away from the premiere, I thought I'd repost it in case you missed it, and see if they took any of my advice:

L Word, Season 5 is being filmed right now. this is my open letter sticky note to the writers and producers:

- Bring Dana Back: make dana's ghost a character that talks to alice every single episode. this alone will probably bring back 100,000 paying fans, easy. it can be funny, touching...amazing. DO IT. she can even help oversee the successful return of lara the "soup-shef."

- Bring Carmen Back...and have there be a love triangle between shane, that hot Terminator chick and carmen. and a threesome. you owe it to us after that c*ck-tease with jenny, marina & the french-canadian-"Alias" chick last season.

- stop insulting black people by giving Kit lines like "who dat?" its a sad day when i'm longing for the return of Snoop Dogg to represent us in a better light. you serious?? come on!

- make Helena stop time every 15 minutes during an episode and speak directly to the audience to tell us her thoughts on scenes shes in. hell, have her do it for scenes she's not even in! it can be done. you remember that 80's sitcom where the daughter was half alien and could stop time by pressing her pointer fingers together? easy enough. and it needs to happen, cause rachel shelley is effin' hot and we need more of her. we don't buy that shes become a wimp who can be manipulated by a 100lb chick with an addiction problem. she's helena-effin'-peabody. let her mom come back in the first episode of season 5 and give her money back. shes learned her lesson. i've learned her lesson. we've all learned her lesson. and none of us even had to turn to drugs or hooking to do it.

- have Tasha and Alice have a sex scene in every episode. its seriously like watching candy being made. hot alice and tasha taffy. do this, and i'll always be first in line at the L word county fair. keep tasha in the states or fly alice to the middle east. i don't give a frick. alice wearing a little army helmet cocked to one side would be super cute/hot. oh, and while you're at it, bring that vampire back and have her sit in a corner naked while theydo it, telling them what moves to make next. what? dont you judge me. im trying to help YOU here.

- umm, and also, Bring Back Dylan. you crazy bitches. what have you done with her?? sex scene with her and Helena at the beach house in season 3 = hottest f**king thing you've ever shown us. don't stop 'til we get enough. ok??

- have Alice, Bette and Shane go steal sh*t more often. its just good times.

- give Alice the tv talk show leisha hailey asked for on ourchart.com. its a GOOD IDEA. a brilliant idea. make. it. happen.

- let me be security on said talk show. i don't want any lines. i can be like *steve* on jerry springer. i just wanna stare at leisha. and helena. i already wear a black shirt and jeans every day. i'll just have to bulk up. and i will, if you, what? yes: make. it. happen. oh, and while you're fulfilling fantasies, L Word gods, have my wife kat mcphee join on us on the show. cause um...yeah.

- bring singer/activist/Daniela Sea's real-life girlfriend Bitch on as a character that Max falls for. duh. and for the love of crispy creme, puh-leeease have her do the opening theme song. or Tegan & Sara. or Terra Naomi. or Sleater Kinney's ghost. or ANYONE. love ya for 3 seasons, Betty, but we want somethin' new. for shure.

-Bette and Tina = duh. hard. we love marlee matlin though, so have there be some seriously tense storyline here with the 3 of them. do you see my theme here? THREESOMES and hardcore sex. i don't think thats asking for too much. we've given you 4 good years and i've personally given up many a bowling night to watch your lesbian debauchery. *sigh* i'm so gay.

- when thousands of fans give you feedback, acquiesce to their demands. they're PAYING for Showtime. they have the right to protest/commend and have their opinions heard. don't overlook them cause, although i've found lesbians to be the most loyal people on this earth, it's a mistake to take them to for granted. they're also the most perceptive.

- in one episode of season 5, have Alice walk in wearing one of my "Shane is my HOMOgirl" t-shirts. its something her character would wear and it would be hilarious. just work it out.

- at the end of each episode, have Rachel Shelley read the credits as they go by. i'm serious. make it like she's at home watchin' Tivo and have her pause and rewind if she misses a name. i want every single name, title, comma and period read aloud by Rachel Shelley. and when you get to the logo at the end, have her "bum bum bum" the exit song. when there's a black screen, have her read from a cereal box. Lucky Charms or Cheerios will do. when she's done with that and we're 10 minutes into the next show, have her image pop up and tap dance, while saying "Mary Poppins" in a cockney accent. i dont CARE what she says or does. just make her talk and be on screen more. on the dvd, have her appear in scenes she was not originally in, and mouth other people's lines awkwardly in the background. as long as her lips are moving and her face is shinin'.

- come closer to the screen, Ilene. no, closer. let me holla at you fo' a minute. look here, uh: i love you. i think you're a bad-ass chick n' al' lat, and check it, it has to be incredibly stressful trying to please hundreds of thousands of gay and straight women every week. hell, i can't even please one all of the time. but er, uh, hear me now (*wizard of oz echo...echo...echo*): SEX SCENES...in EVERY EPISODE. like...season 1 & 2 had. member that? HOT. SEX. SCENES. that last more than 30 seconds. i'm going to go ahead and give you a time minimum here just to make this easier: at least 3 minutes each. i don't care what you have to do. bump the lead characters' salaries? i don't mind. have meeting after meeting with Showtime? hey, i'll even pour the coffee. hire me to direct the sex scenes and put my mouth where my mouth is? i'll go to Best Buy and pick up a dv camera right now. whatever you have to do, make it happen. i'll say it again: we are PAYING for Showtime to watch a show for 13 weeks. we love the strong story lines you have about women's rights, gay pride, max's penis...but ultimately, we want to walk away from each episode TURNED ON and ready to f*ck our girlfriends. and if we don't have girlfriends, we wanna leave each episode at least rubbing the nipples of a stranger at the local gay bar that we've driven to and illegally parked near to watch the episode. cause even if we're one of the few that isn't paying for Showtime, you best believe we're buying your merch, we're making fan vids that ultimately bring you paying customers, and we're dreaming of you and Shane every night. bottom line: that super cool house you live in that we've now seen on the ourchart videos (that keeps us awake at night), we bought that sh*t. so uh, give us...what we want.

more power to you for being a power-lesbian. baby, don't stop 'til YOU get enough. make that money and get plenty of ass. but still, give us...what we want.


ahem.

thank you.

-arlan
the jackhammer...crenshaw...jankins...williams...hudson. the 1st.
*throws mic on the floor of the stage and walks off slowly*